Monday, May 21, 2012
I've changed. It's unfortunate, really. I go over this blog and I'm saddened at the loss of the person I used to be. Back when I cared. Back when the future looked bright and everything made sense. It was lovely and peaceful. I had everything to gain and nothing to lose. That's gone now, sad to say. My innocence decided to pack its things and leave me behind with just a shadowy remnant of what I used to be. My family fell apart. My dad, it was discovered, had a two year affair with another woman. We had to sell our house, move, and create a new life for ourselves: my mom, sister, and me. Dad has lost his belief system and sense. Mom lost herself. My sister and I tried to move on, but living with an emotionally unstable mom did not help the situation. My anger at what was happening got in the way of my heart and I was 'kicked out' of the house on several occasions. At other times, I just left. My parents are getting a divorce and things are finally evening out a bit, but it's been difficult. It's caused me to question a lot of things, and I'm still not entirely sure where I stand. I will never stop believing in my God, but at the moment, I can't find it in my heart to trust that He has my best interest at heart. I know it's true, but I don't feel it at the moment. My discipline is gone. My health, my purpose, everything. Stripped away. It is almost as if God led me from a place of beauty and calm straight into a battle I wasn't prepared for. I am lying wounded and alone, but no one is there to pick me up out of the mire and gore and carry me to safety. It's a pity, but it's partially my fault. If I would let God do it, I know He would, but I am angry. He led me into the midst of the fray, didn't He? Yes, it is for a greater purpose. But at the moment I would rather lie dying than let Him touch me. Perhaps He and my father look too much alike. At any rate, if anyone reads this, pray for me. I want to revive the bright, fair maiden I used to be, but many things will have to change if I am to do so.