Monday, May 21, 2012

Life.

I've changed. It's unfortunate, really. I go over this blog and I'm saddened at the loss of the person I used to be. Back when I cared. Back when the future looked bright and everything made sense. It was lovely and peaceful. I had everything to gain and nothing to lose. That's gone now, sad to say. My innocence decided to pack its things and leave me behind with just a shadowy remnant of what I used to be. My family fell apart. My dad, it was discovered, had a two year affair with another woman. We had to sell our house, move, and create a new life for ourselves: my mom, sister, and me. Dad has lost his belief system and sense. Mom lost herself. My sister and I tried to move on, but living with an emotionally unstable mom did not help the situation. My anger at what was happening got in the way of my heart and I was 'kicked out' of the house on several occasions. At other times, I just left. My parents are getting a divorce and things are finally evening out a bit, but it's been difficult. It's caused me to question a lot of things, and I'm still not entirely sure where I stand. I will never stop believing in my God, but at the moment, I can't find it in my heart to trust that He has my best interest at heart. I know it's true, but I don't feel it at the moment. My discipline is gone. My health, my purpose, everything. Stripped away. It is almost as if God led me from a place of beauty and calm straight into a battle I wasn't prepared for. I am lying wounded and alone, but no one is there to pick me up out of the mire and gore and carry me to safety. It's a pity, but it's partially my fault. If I would let God do it, I know He would, but I am angry. He led me into the midst of the fray, didn't He? Yes, it is for a greater purpose. But at the moment I would rather lie dying than let Him touch me. Perhaps He and my father look too much alike. At any rate, if anyone reads this, pray for me. I want to revive the bright, fair maiden I used to be, but many things will have to change if I am to do so.

5 comments:

Eva joy said...

Oh dearheart, you post has moved me to tears. I do not know you but your beautiful womanly heart shines through your painful words. You say that you have been stripped and feel like nothing, but you write beautifully. Your skill surprised me. I am praying for you. If I may, I would like to recomend a book to aid in your healing. It is called "Captivating, unveiling the mystery of a woman's soul" by John and Stasi Eldredge.

Mr. Alexander said...

humor can heal.

dailyhumorandnews.blogspot.com

Alexandra Marie said...

I hope everything gets better ! Maybe its just a rough patch ?

XOXO
Alexandra Marie

Katie Beth said...

prayed for you.

Lautaro Aguilar said...

Hey
from other side of the Word... you are talking about life... I imagine that you feel better now. Talking to that someone you were in the past, I tell you, find your pation, choose a dream and follow it without exception... Good luck. (If you need to talk, I exist in this world as a good person who can listen)